Funny Friday - May 6

Much like me when I was a kid, Luke spends as much time sorting his toys as he does playing with them.
Luke: Josie, don't mess up my food rainbow.
Me: Toys are meant to be played with, so let her play.
Luke: She can play, she just can't mix up my piles.
Me: Of course she's going to mix them up - she's a baby.
Josie: Hey! I'm not a baby, I'm a big girl!
Me: Fine, she's a toddler and toddlers mix things up.
Luke: Actually, she's a juvenile.
Me: Anybody else want to correct me?

Josie was showing her plush stingray to our friend Amanda
Amanda: Is that a boy or a girl?
Josie: No. It's a stingray.

I may or may not have gotten an apple watch. Treat yoself, am I right?
Josie: What's that?
Me: It's my new watch. You went with me to buy it last night, remember?
Josie: Yeah! Where's your black watch?
Me: I took it off so I can wear this one.
Josie: pause I watch a tv show on it?

Luke: Put that on your Facebook page and lick it.
a) I don't know what this means, b) he said this in the meter of "put that in your pipe and smoke it," and c) I have no idea where he heard that phrase

Funny Friday - Apr 29

Josie: Mommy, brush my hair! It's crazy.

Me: Luke, stop playing with your wee-wee.
Luke: But it's my favorite thing to do in the whole world!

Josie: What's that?
Me: Tweezers. I start to pluck my eyebrows
Josie: No! No hurt you, no hurt you!

Luke tells a joke to a total stranger at the store
Luke: That's my joke. I'll warn you - I'm hilarious.

Josie lands at the bottom of the big slide at the playground
Thank you! Do you like my trick?

trying to pull her shirt over her head
Luke: Ow! It's stuck on my brain.

Me: Are you done going potty?
Josie: I made a big poopy. And a small poppy. And another small poopy. And another small poopy.

Funny Friday - Apr 22

Luke: What percent tired are you?
Me: 95 percent.
Luke: I'm google percent tired. I'm more tired than you.

The kids each have a sign on their doors with their name on it.
Me: What does this one say?
Josie: Wukey!
Me: What about this one?
Josie: Me! Me!

Josie: What's that?
Me: Dollar bills. It's my money.
Josie: Nanny's money?
Me: No. Money?
Josie: Nanny's.
Me: Money?
Josie: Nanny's!

after having dinner with Nana
Me: Say "bye" to Nana.
Luke: I don't want to, I want to stay here.
Steven: Only if Nana says it's OK.
Luke: Please, Nana.
Steven: You really don't have to if you're tired.
Nana: No! What kind of Nana would that make me?
Luke: A lonely one, with only a cat to keep you company. You don't want to be that kind of Nana, do you?

trying to get checked in at our Disney hotel
Parking attendant: Ma'm if you could please pull forward to the end of the curb.
Me: I will, thank you. I move the van
Josie: There, much better.

I'm trimming Luke's toenails, which he hates.
Me: OK Luke, all done.
Josie: My turn, my turn! she hops in my lap before I have a chance to argue
Me: What do you need trimmed, fingers or toes?
Josie: Fingtoes.
Me: That's not a word. Fingers or toes?
Josie: Toes! I cut her toenails Now fingers!
Me: Aren't you bossy?
Josie: Yep.

Funny Friday - Oct 16

Wow, it's been a while. I have quite a backlog for you so let's get right to it, shall we?

Also, Josie is finally talking more so she's in on the action, too!


Josie: Hi!
Luke: She said "hi" in human! I'm gonna hug her!

Luke: I have some bad news. I ripped one of the pages in my space book.
Steven: It's OK, we can tape it.
Luke: Make sure you use duct tape or packing tape, but no measuring tape.

Luke: How do boo-boos heal instantly?
Steven: They don't. It takes a little while to heal.
Luke: What's the life cycle on that healing?

Mommy, I accidentally got some pee on the floor with this old wee-wee of mine.

I think my tickle bone turned into a lazy bone. I'm just lazy, lazy, lazy. I want to stay in bed forever.

Steven: Mommy, do you want to come play Mario with me and Luke?
Me: Negative. I'll watch, but I don't want to play.
Steven: Aw, come on. We're going to play as a family.
Luke: Daddy, you need to remember the difference between negative and positive. Mommy said negative, and that means no.

I'm eating Indian take-out while the rest of the family eats something else
Luke: What is your dinner?
Me: This is curried spinach and this is rice. You mix them together.
Luke: So it's not disgusting, like Daddy said?
Me: No, it's yummy. Do you want to try some?
Luke: I know it's not, but it looks like... poo.

Luke: I'm tired. Will you put me to bed?
Me: Would you like me to carry you?
Luke: Yes.
Me: OK. I'll make a deal with you. I'm tired, too, so I'll carry you up the first half of the stairs, then I'll put you down and you can carry me.
Luke: I only have enough energy to do nothing. Nothing but laying here.

Me: What does a cat say?
Josie: silence
Me: Josie, what does a cat say?
Josie: silence
Me: Can you say "meow?"
Josie: Yes.
Me: Will you say "meow?"
Josie: Nope.

Me: I love you.
Luke: I love you more.
Me: I love you the most.
Luke: I love you from my underpants.
Me: stunned silence

Josie: Milk! Milk!
Me: Can you say "please, Mommy?"
Josie: Nope.
Steven: Can you say "please, Daddy?"
Josie: Peese, Daddy!
Me: Can you say "please, Mommy?"
Josie: Peese, Daddy!
Me: Can you say "please, Nana?"
Josie: Peese, Daddy!
Me: What about Mommy?
Josie: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

driving past a neighborhood with a "no outlet" sign
That sign says "no outlet." Does that mean they don't have any power?

Steven: Time to wake up! It's your first day of college!
Luke: Daddy, I'm still on track out from kindergarten.
Steven: OK, I'm just kidding. It's your first day of pharmacy school!
Luke: Seriously? I don't wanna be a pharmacist.
Me: Do you know what a pharmacist does?
Luke: It's a person that measures medicine.
Steven: OK then.

Funny Friday - May 1

Luke: I realize it's morning but I'm still a little bit tired.
Me: You can go back to bed if you want.
Luke: Well, I have to see who it was running quietly down the hall. It can't be Pop-Tart. All she does is lay around all morning and all evening and all afternoon. It might be Yo-Yo.

Luke: Let me smell your finger.
Me: My finger?
Luke: Yes, your finger has a beautiful smell coming out of it. sniffs It smells like iron because humans are made of iron. sniffs Mine smells like coal because humans are made of carbon.

Mommy, why do you always talk about IKEA?

Me: Are you dressed?
Luke: Everything except my socks and underpants. But I am wearing my pants already.
Me: Well, you're going to have to take your pants back off to put your underpants on.
Luke: Mommy, that's just silly.

Luke: Daddy, they're all arguing about the Hope Diamond.
Steven: Who's they?
Luke: My stuffed animals.

Luke: Where's Mommy?
Steven: She's at a sign convention.
Luke: What's a sign convention?
Steven: It's where people who make signs get together and talk about signs.
Luke: That sounds BORING.

Me: After you finish in the bathroom you can see what I brought you from Vegas. It's in your room.
Luke: I guess that place IS special.

Luke: When I grow up I'm going to be a chef.
Me: A chef? I thought you wanted to be a marine biologist.
Luke: That was last week. I change my mind a lot.

Luke got in trouble for being disruptive during circle time.
Isn't it weird that I got a Happygram from school today?

Me: Did you take your vitamin this morning?
Luke: Nope.
Me: What about yesterday?
Luke: I don't remember.
Me: I'll just give you one to be on the safe side. If you take too many you'll grow a whole foot overnight and then you won't be little anymore.
Luke: But, Mommy, I have to grow up.
Me: No, I want you to be my baby forever.
Luke: But I want to be a scientist.
Me: You can still be a scientist.
Luke: No, I have to grow up. Babies can't be scientists.

Funny Friday - Mar 13

Luke: Does Siri know what God looks like?
Steven: Nobody knows for sure.
Luke: I think God looks like a man in a red suit.
Me: I think you're thinking about Santa.
Luke: No I'm not. pause Oh yeah, I was thinking about Santa.

while I was wearing my pleather leggings
Mommy, these pants are so smooth. Thank you for wearing them.

Me: Oh, Luke, your breath is terrible.
Luke: Well, if I don't breathe I'll die.
Me: I didn't say don't breathe, just don't breathe in my face.

while on a conference call while working from home
Me: Babe, can you take the kids downstairs. Josie is so loud!
Luke: Mommy, I'm way louder than Josie.

Mommy, Josie is a little kid name. When she gets older you have to give her a better name.

while going potty in the morning
Luke: What smells so bad in the bathroom?
Me: Is it the litter box?
Luke: No, I don't see the litter box.
Me: Is it your hiney?
Luke: No, my hiney smells beautiful.
Me: Is it poop smell?
Luke: No, it's my breath!

Funny Friday - Feb 13

watching football with our friends Greg and Amanda
Greg: Hey, Luke, can you say "Go, Brady, go?"
Luke: Uh, I don't want to.

in the car, Nana is channel surfing
Luke: Oh, I like that song!
Nana: Ok.
song finishes, next some comes on
Nana: Luke, this is a country song! Do you like country music?
Luke: No, Nana, I like continent music.

Do you know what my nightlight is? The neighborhood.

At a restaurant
Luke: They put ice in my water. Don't they know I don't like ice in my water?
Nanny: It's ok. It will melt in a minute.
Luke: If we were un Europe I wouldn't have to worry about this.
I have no idea how he knows they don't use ice in Europe.

going potty
Nanny, come in here! We need to marvel at my wee-wee!

Luke: Where's Daddy?
Me: He's still at work.
Luke: Oh. I wanted to quiz him on what "legendary" means, as I already know.
Me: Oh, you do?
Luke: Yes. It means famous.

Moment of Genius

I've been a parent almost 5 years and I can't believe I didn't think of this until now.

Last night I was serving Josie some pizza and was fumbling with the knife, infomercial style, trying to create bite-sized pieces when inspiration struck: just use kitchen shears. I did and it worked like a charm! All you need are food grade kitchen or chef shears.

I'm totally doing this with all her food from now on.

Funny Friday - Jan 9

I've gotten slack about posting these lately. It's not because Luke isn't funny, and it certainly isn't because he doesn't talk. (He talks constantly, in case you were wondering) It just seems that as he gets older, he makes sense most of the time and has stopped saying the silly toddler things he used to (sob!). But for the sake of my readers (hi, mom!) I must persevere and get back into the habit of jotting down his musings.

At present Josie is still mostly babbling like an Ewok, but you can expect to see more from her in the future.

driving through a downtown with lighted Christmas decorations
Luke: Why are there french horns?
Daddy: Because those are Christmas decorations.
Me: Some people think that french horns are Christmassy.
Luke: I don't.

Luke: getting frustrated with Minecraft It's not working.
Josie cries, off camera
Me: Babe, Josie's crying.
Luke: crying It's not Josie, it me.
Me: Luke, sweetie, I think you need a nap.
Luke: crying harder I'm not tired!
Me: Remember? You told me you were tired from the park and you wanted a nap after lunch.
Luke: still crying I changed my mind.

Luke: humming What's that noise?
Me: I don't know. Is it a bird?
Luke: No.
Me: Is it a dragonfly?
Luke: No. Really pay attention this time. hums again
Me: Is it a puppy?
Luke: No.
Me: Then I give up.
Luke: OK, it likes sea creatures and it's very noisy.
Me: Is it you?
Luke: Yes!

Me: Josie, come here. Don't touch the Christmas tree!
Josie: Touch it!

singing to himself in the car
What does the Luke say? Sperm whale, sperm whale, sperm whale, sperm whale. Sperm whale, sperm whale, sperm whale, sperm whale.
What does the Luke say? Squid, squid, squid, squid, squid, squid, squid. Squid, squid, squid, squid, squid, squid, squid.
What does the Mommy say? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Luke: Mommy, the next baby you make, you should let me name it Wal-Mart.
Me: Well, I don't think I'll be having any more babies so you're probably out of luck.
Luke: Then when Josie gets to be a grown-up and makes babies, I will call them Wal-Mart!

Me: What are you doing? You've been in the bathroom a while.
Luke: I just mined some food, and now I'm crafting poops.

Luke: What does "babe" mean?
Me: It's a nickname that some people call their boyfriend or girlfriend.
Luke: Well, I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend, so I can't call them that.
Me: That's good, you're probably a little young for that.
Luke: Wait, Emma is my girlfriend! But I don't call her "babe."

House Update

With just 20 days left until our closing, we have entered the home stretch! The final countdown! Some other phrase I'm too lazy to look up!

Here's a quick rundown of what's been done:
- everything inside the walls (plumbing, electrical, HVAC) is done
- master tub is in (that thing is huge - they had to build the bathroom around it!)
- roof is on
- siding is up and painted
- windows and exterior doors are in
- drywall is up, taped and mudded
- kitchen and bathroom cabinets are in
- bathroom countertops are in
- interior doors and mouldings are in

Still to do:
- toilets and sinks
- kitchen counters
- hardwood, tile (floor and wall), carpet
- wall paint
- light fixtures
- door knobs

The "still to do" seems like a short list, but those items will make the biggest difference between looking like a construction site and looking like a home. During the framing stage the progress seems to fly, but then it grinds to a halt once the drywall is in. Rest assured we are making frequent site visits and likely driving our contractor crazy, but I don't care. Once February rolls around they don't have to look at my house anymore, but I do, so I'm going to get my way. Or as close to my way as I can.

I can't wait to share the completed house!