You Know You Have Crazy Mom Hormones...

... when a stupid show like Cougar Town makes you cry.

The Internet Is Mocking Me

As a member of the bump I have been getting weekly e-mails telling me what the baby is up to as it grows in my belly. Nothing earth shattering, just the typical symptoms I could be having, what's developing in/on the baby and the typical length and weight of a baby that age. Harmless, no?

Well, this morning this charmer landed in my inbox:

Um, no it's not. And how do I know this? Because it's still kicking me. FROM THE INSIDE.

Stupid internet.

Walking the Line Between Dreams and Nightmares

I have started having dreams about labor and delivery. In each dream I find that I have passed out during labor - not sure if I'm being drugged or not - and I wake up after the baby has been delivered. I am never grateful for this, I always feel like I have been robbed of the experience.

Last night, the dream was worse. When I awoke from my labor I was told I had been given a C-Section. No one would tell me why it was necessary, they just kept repeating "you've had a C-Section." I later find out I had been unconscious for days and that Steven and the baby had already gone home without me. I finally got home to see them and my child looked like a toddler, and didn't know me at all!

I'm trying not to be a control freak (i.e. my usual self) because I know I can't choreograph my own delivery. I have a wish list, of sorts, and methods I would like to try but for the most part I will go with the flow. My subconscious, however, is terrified that I will be unable to have a satisfying birth experience. Maybe I'm not as relaxed as I thought?

Pardon Me While I Panic

My husband's family is going through a bit of a crisis right now and, being pregnant, my brain decided it would be a great idea to go into selfish-panic mode. Before I whine explain, let me lay down the facts:

1. Steven's (retired) paternal grandparents have offered us free childcare once the baby arrives, which we gladly accepted.
2. His paternal great-grandmother is showing signs of dementia and is now moving in with his paternal grandparents.
3. Great-grandmother has been known to have a mean streak which is only exacerbated by the dementia.
4. Great-grandmother has shingles.
5. I (the pregnant one) have never had chicken pox, but I was vaccinated at age 13. However, I have since never been around anyone infected with the chicken pox so I don't exactly have proof that the vaccine was effective.

The short term panic is this - I am terrified to go near Great-Grandmother or go in any home she has been in. I have heard the chicken pox / shingles virus is highly contagious and might be airborne. So it only makes sense not to touch anything she has touched until I get the OK from my doctor. Same goes for Steven. I can't have him hugging her then hugging me, thus transferring the virus to me and my unsuspecting baby.

The long term panic is this - I am terrified to leave my baby in the same house as someone who doesn't have full grasp of their mind. Yes, there will be other adults present and she will never be alone with the baby, but I still can't help but recall horror stories of dementia patients doing unintentionally destructive things.

I am fully aware that I am a selfish, horrible person for worrying over hypothetical problems when there are real problems at hand. Please explain that to my hormone addled, panic-prone brain. I also have faith that my family will make all the right decisions and not do anything that will put me, the baby or anyone else in harm's way. It is very possible that Great-Grandmother will regain some mental clarity once someone else is managing her medications and she is getting the care she needs. Also, I am aware the baby won't be here for another 24 weeks and won't need childcare for several weeks after that. I am confident that all the kinks in our family's system will be more than ironed out be then.

But seriously, all the logic in the world can't stop me from worrying right now. Please tell me the worrying gets easier. Oh, it only gets worse? Well then, I'm screwed.

To Make You Feel My Love

After yesterday's rant, I thought I would share with you my softer side.

I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business, listening to Pandora. Adele's version of To Make You Feel My Love came on and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with emotion. I first heard this song many years ago in the movie Hope Floats, as sung by Garth Brooks, and it has always been a favorite of mine. Today I really listened to the lyrics and it struck me that this song speaks to the sacrificial nature of love and all I could do was think about my unborn child and what I would do to protect her.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you
I'd go crawling down the aisle for you
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

With lyrics as good as these it should come as no surprise that they were written by Bob Dylan. As I listened to the song I couldn't help but cry, and then I welled up again as I was typing the lyrics.*

Enjoy the video.

*This, I'm blaming on the hormones. And the awesomeness of Dylan.

I'm Not a Whore

I think the pregnancy hormones are getting the best of me. Last night I dreamt that I was wooed and proposed to by a tuxedo-wearing James Franco.*




James' tuxedo was dreamy, the rock was HUGE, but that's not even the best part. In this dream, I was thin. Not just pre-pregnancy thin, but THIN! Like Kiera Knightley, but with bigger boobs. I was HOT!


I normally don't consider myself a James Franco fan,*** but after this dream I might have to reconsider my position on the matter.


Then when Steven tried to wake me up, I may or may not have told him "Go away, James is talking." I would like to think I'm not the type of woman to dream-cheat on my husband, but apparently not. I'm not a whore, it's just the hormones talking.

*He must not photograph well. I had the hardest time finding a photo of him where he didn't look confused or high.**

**I don't know his life. Maybe he is always high and confused? Who am I to judge?

***Meaning, I wouldn't maul him in public if I were given the chance. Johnny Depp, on the other hand...